It has been a long while since I heard from you. I let it be, maybe that’s what you want. May be not but then I’d be breaking the pact, and your peace. Maybe I am a bother to you, maybe you are with someone else. I shall believe these and convince myself and not let my thoughts reach you.
like everyday, I continue living here, not with you nor moving on. I look at things, suddenly realizing how every commonplace thing connects me to you. I hold them and hear your words ringing in my ears. “It’s my favorite pen; I don’t give this to anyone” “Not even me?” and with a slight kiss, you handed it to me “Can I ever say no to you?”. And like this, there were many precious little pieces that made their way from you to me; some now broken in anger, some lost in the hurt over the years, and a few that hung around and surround me now.
I woke up yesterday, unseeing eyes staring at the ceiling. And it struck me – your birthday in two weeks. The most precious and eventful celebration I looked forward to every year, even though I was never a part of it. Oh how I’d think and toil over the things to gift you, of giving you the joy and happiness that the day was for me, pouring my love into the all-consuming frenzy of making the day as special for you as it was for me. What shall I do today, tomorrow and every day from now till then?
Thought I’d call you “Let’s get married. If everything works out, I’m ready to go now- take me with you.” I didn’t; I couldn’t bear hearing you say what I already know. I couldn’t let you ground me to this reality again; that I’ll have to learn to live the rest of this life without you; to live and work on everyday to fill the boundless emptiness in my existence. To not be able to hold your hands, and feel the warmth, like I am home. Now I know, I’ll never belong anywhere again.
Wild Mind 